|you came to me in the afternoon
||[May. 16th, 2012|07:49 pm]
because the city's always more beautiful at night
I'm really, really glad you and I never lasted. I'm glad you're back with her, because honestly, you deserve one another. I'm not particularly bitter about what happened between you and I, nor am I sad. I'm just... I don't even know what I feel, actually. Because I'm not sad. I don't regret anything. I don't miss anything. I don't feel like I have to keep wondering "what if". I don't feel like I lost anything. I don't feel like I want anything back. I don't feel like I was cheated. I don't feel like ... I don't feel anything. I don't ... I don't want anything.
Part of me hopes you noticed that I removed you on Facebook, part of me hopes you've been playing the last time we spoke over and over in your mind. Like you're trying to work out what went wrong, and how we ended up here, after all the crazy things that happened.
And I do hope you're happy, because I wouldn't want you to feel guilty for feeling whatever you did. I don't. In some ways, we were both what one another needed. Some companionship through all the shit that we were respectively dealing with. Distractions. Proxies for other things.
Unfortunately we lost one another in the process. And sadly, that's just what happens, sometimes. And I'm disappointed that you couldn't be honest with me about how you were really feeling, and I'm sad that you had to go back to something that was so clearly fucked, but ... I don't wish for you anymore.
I barely think about you, honestly. You lasted the longest out of any of them and yet... I barely think about you. It's less like you and I happened than any of the other things that did.
And surprisingly, for the first time since I met her, I don't want anyone. I'm not pining, I'm not in love, I'm not hurting. I'm not missing, I'm not sad, nor happy, nor do I have any desire for anyone in my life. And yes, sometimes that makes me a little sad, but quite honestly, I think, for a long time, I've needed this. I've needed some space to work out who I am, and what I want, outside of any other external influence. Without someone to become a chameleon for. I hate being a chameleon, and yet, that's what always happens. I change. And I don't like changing. I like who I am, where I am came from, who I am. It's taken me a LONG fucking time to get there. But I am okay with that. And I'm not going to apologise for who I am, or the things that I want.
They are what they are and that changes for absolutely no one.
If that means I'm single for a few years to come... well, then so be it. But the point is I've worked out that I can be on my own, and I can be okay, and I can still find happiness in the things that go on in my life.
I just... need to keep myself busy. So I don't have time to think. Because as soon as I start thinking, I mess myself up. And I can't go there again.